By Guest Blogger and Fierce Female Nita Marquez www.facebook.com/fitnita IG: @fitnita
It's just mind blowing to think about how different I know that I am today compared to even five years ago. Whereas five years ago, I was in a relationship with what most people would think was the dream guy. He was my ideal physical type, extremely charming, a successful entrepreneur, whose business I had a role in helping to build; he was hopelessly romantic, funny, thoughtful, engaging and heavily engaged with me, and we were stupid in love! I was the object of his desire: his cute, feisty, fiery, funny, intelligent, supportive, thoughtful muse. But I was unhappy and extremely unfulfilled.
Reading that, women are probably like,"what the hell was she thinking," right? And the guys are like,"Jesus, James and Joseph!!! Women are NEVER satisfied!" Am I right?
The fact is, many women enter into relationships because of what we can be for a man that will make him “better.” (Linguistic denial code for, “I need to change someone besides myself.”) And men select those women based on how they can become better men as a result of being with that woman. (Code for,”I want someone else to do the work to make sure I fulfill my manhood.”)
Conversely, there are men who enter into relationships with women because of what they can offer a woman that she needs. And women enter into those relationships with men because of what she can get that will make her feel more secure. (Same code as above, with opposite gender specifications.)
You see a lot of women who are attractive tend to be more of a sex toy and a security blanket to handsome guys who are insecure, and thus self-indulgent to a point of narcissism, which is an actual psychological condition that often leads to results from sociopathic tendencies (which is why a lot of these types of men are compulsive liars).
And in a HEALTHY relationships, a woman enters into a relationship with a man based on what she can be and provide that will help him be the great man she sees him to be, and a man enters into a relationship because of what he can provide and be that will protect her and empower her continually to be the great woman he sees her to be. BUT IN BOTH CASES, each respective party enjoys collective credit for their self-validating inner completion that leads them to connect to another in whom they’ve noted a self-fulfilled stance on a journey to Purpose.
I was in the first category, but from the outside looking in, you would never know it. I walked away from that relationship proactively because in my heart of hearts, as much as I loved that guy, I knew that our relationship was based on the vanity of what we were each seeking validation for. I wasn't a self-validating woman who met a man that was already validated. I was a woman who felt validated by how much "better" I made a man feel. If I inspired him, in this case I did, I was more "in love." And as he was indulgent in that which inspired him from my influences and deeds, he took gladly, because he sought validation from a woman's need to edify him because he was incapable of doing that for himself. He was not a self-validating man. It took me five years of being in that relationship to get that.
But I did not come to that conclusion because he was this big gigantic asshole or because something "bad happened". I came to that conclusion because I finally started listening to myself. And that wasn't the first time I'd broken up with him. I had a habit of breaking up with him every couple of months (but you know what they say, when the beggin's good enough!") But five-plus years back, I REALLY LISTENED TO MYSELF. And I realized that I was not happy because I was seeking happiness in that relationship rather than discovering it within myself. And as I walked away from him, months continued to go by, and now years, that I observed that relationship. I stood my ground even more so as I looked into myself and came to new understanding about what he and I stood for.
I realized that the happiness he was seeking was also not from within himself. We were a perfect match because neither one of us wanted to dig deep within ourselves to find happiness and fulfillment so we each sought that fulfillment outside of ourselves, in each other.
We found that we "matched" each other.
We thought it was "great chemistry," "fate," "serendipity," and it was "the right vibes". He used to always send me the song by Jack Johnson, "We're Better Together."(He sent me sweet love songs daily, and if I’m being honest, I wrote him poetry and letters that got him absolutely euphoric.)
REALITY CHECK: We were a couple of incomplete people who were finding ways to complete ourselves in one another. So.... We were a "perfect fit" for each other. I knew how to validate him and keep him happy. And he knew how to validate me and keep me happy.
The trouble with that formula is that neither one of us was really complete within ourselves or self-validating, and therefore we were not being the most honest or best versions of ourselves. We were putting on the show to attract the person who we thought could "complete" each of us. That was to our disillusionment, and I finally listened to myself on that last breakup enough that I realized our whole relationship was exactly what we built it to be: a fantasy- something entertaining, but not fulfilling.
Like most of us, I grew up thinking that someone or something is going to be that person or that thing with which we can build our great lives once we get to them/it. THAT IS AN ILLUSION, and it's an illusion we create for ourselves because we, putting it frankly, don't have the balls to build it alone with our souls as our companion. And that was the reality. When I finally broke up with him permanently it was something in ME that needed to change- and it wasn't about him. It's still not. And nowadays, he's still hitting me up every now and again with the same approach, but uh, it's SOOOOO UNATTRACTIVE to me now.
I don't need the charming hot alpha male who is promising to ride in on his white stallion dressed in armor and take me away to the kingdom we will rule together. I also don't need someone who makes me the reason that he does better in life or becomes a “better man.” I am not looking for any of that.
The fact is I'm just not looking outside myself for empowerment because I know that all I seek to be fulfilled through is living right inside of me and I had to pull all of my own shit out in order to uncover it. Now that I look to that clear open space I see my mission on a daily basis as though my mission itself is my lover. And while I miss having a very active sex and social life (Yes, I miss it! I AM HUMAN and l love that stuff!!), I don't miss the types of people I attracted when I was solely seeking the ephemeral. The fact is I know that while I'm not seeking those things but I am seeking fulfillment, then my sex and social life will draw to me in the form that I am currently in. So I need to be in a space of fulfillment in order to attract those things and people that will couple with me appropriately. Fulfillment begets fulfillment. And as incompletion begets that which is also incomplete, so does completion draw to and attract completion. We draw what we detect and we attract what we reflect. I'm happy now, and so is all that I've created and continue to create.
You can agree or disagree to these realities, but either way, the whole point in me posting this is for people to think on how heavily they are validating themselves... or not. My hope and wish is for all people to get clear with their inner worlds so they can be transparent in their outer worlds and live a greater quality of TRUE BLISS, thus supporting more powerful and impactful lives. The world needs us to be more blissful and that starts from clearing out the shit, or at least transforming it into the fertilizer that blossoms the garden within us. Look into yourself more. Know yourself. Love Yourself.
#BePhenomenal YOU are #WorthTheWork !